i don’t like not knowing. its a fear of the unknown. this year, so far, has been the craziest year of my life, and i can see it taking a toll on my mind and body. //january started a new semester at school and it was great; good classes, decent profs, amazing friends. as decisions were made things started changing. i ran for Sophomore class VP. at the end of the semester the girl that ran for Sophomore president stepped down, so i stepped up. all summer i was preparing and pouring my heart and time and energy into this position and i was feeling good about it. i was excited and i had great ideas for the class. i felt so blessed. //every summer i work at SMHS as a lifeguard and swim instructor. its definitely one of the best jobs in the world. a week before the swim season ended i got a call from the head SGA president. he told me that my GPA was .121 too low to be involved in student government. i was forced to step down. at the time i was in shock, and i still am a little bit. why would God let this happen to me? i was at work so i had to hold myself together. //when i got home i sat on the couch and thought about how instead of moving into my dorm room in a week i would have to wait another month. the same thing kept running through my mind. “you need to listen to me this time.” i’ve heard God’s voice before, but it was strange to hear him say that, but i was half expecting it. //during the spring semester i knew that Vanguard was not the place for me. i love the people and the location, but without the right major there isn’t really a point in being there. so i left. i left everything i knew and loved, all my friends. i packed up and moved back home to my parents. i had no idea what school i would be going to in the fall. //i didnt really care… that was a year ago.
No, we’re not gonna keep saying mean things to each other. We’re going to be kind and loving like a brother and sister in Christ. Act as normal as possible and learn from past mistakes and memories. My theory is that if I pretend like everything is ok, eventually it all will be ok. Wounds heal, seasons change, years go on, and we grow up, we get jobs and houses and learn how to survive with God by our side and people before and behind us. We never forget and we don’t look back. Cherish the good times and laugh at the bad. Take too many pictures and write down memories because someday we’ll be old and need something to remind us that before bed pans and applesauce, we had fun lives.
A breath of life spilled across the floor. you say you cant take it anymore. giving up is the only way. a step behind all the time. walking talking great fake smile. you say its the only way to feel like that. oh, how ignorant you are. a love drowned in a bottle so deep. so divine. we are incomplete.
So in love, so incomplete. the heavens and earth cannot compete. your perfection is greater than life itself. all i want is you, all i need is you. catch me when i fall. take my life. it is nothing if you aren’t here. all i need, all i want is you. you break my heart, i run to you. great healer, almighty father. help me survive this life. you died so i can live. im living for you now. for today, for tomorrow, forever. make me perfect in your eyes. make me empty of this world. fill me with your love. let me spill it out for the world to receive. take my life and do your will. its yours; my life is yours. you are in my tears. you are in my laughter. you are in my valleys. you are in my thoughts. you are my beauty. im nothing without your love. you’ve saved me now i live for you.
passionate love… a burning passionate love. the kind that can sink ships and make people lose their minds. the kind that breaks hearts and saves lives. one that is pure and marked all at once. one that makes no sense. when you cant talk anymore, you can hardly fall asleep, then when you finally do you cant seem to wake up. is it all just a dream? is waking up from some of these dreams ever possible? this passionate love is irreversible. nothing can change what has been said or done, not even the author himself. words are more permanent than the kink they are sprawled in. they are like fire. taking captive all in its way. burning passionate fire, consuming everything that i am.
Psalm 25 people will always let me down, but God will always be here to pick me up. he is muy comfort when i am sad. he is here for me/ im feeling so sad tonight. i feel like ___ is letting me down and i hate it. he has been being so rude to me lately and i dont know what to do about it. i dont want to take a break, but at the same time i feel like we both need it. i need to get closer to God and he needs to figure out his own issues instead of taking them out on me. i feel like im his punching bag sometimes. i dont like it. im nothing but kind, loving, and sweet to him; yet he returns with anger and ungratefulness i deserve so much better. i need to find my love in and appreciation in God, not in my man. maybe that is my problem. i have gotten too comfortable. i need to distance myself ..maybe? im not sure what to do. i know that tomorrow, he wont be hearing form me unless he comes over or puts in a ridiculous amount of effort to get a hold of me. ow my biggest question is should i still go to —- ——- Wednesday or just stay home and give him space. i really want to go, but at the same time i feel like im suffocating him. who knows. ill figure it out tomorrow…
but will it ever be enough for you. my life is like a turn cycle. going round and round. im upside down waiting for you to help me. my head is rushing full of blood and my vision is blurred. where have you gone? you took all i had to give. im sitting here alone now waiting for you to come home. i cant stay alone long. my life is running out. the air is getting thin and everyone is passing me up without a second glance. this isn’t who i thought i would be. do i like me or not? do i even love you anymore? my feet are getting cold like the rest of me and i need you to warm me up again. i cant stay here alone long, my life is running dry. everyone i love is passing me by.
we used to love so easily. we grew so far apart that now i dont even know your name. i’ll never forget how much you meant to me. i cant forget ho hard you made me fall. you left before i could say goodbye. you took my heart and called it your own. i fell for you harder than ever. when i thought of my future i saw you with me. you let me down and broke my heart. how could i recover from the brutality i call you.
looking into your eyes i see nothing. pain from my past has turned my blind towards you. what makes you do what you did to me? why are you so cold inside. hold your own hand i cant take it— the pain of holding yours. show me the way to your heart and i’ll break it. let me come close and i’ll just hurt you again. take care of yourself and let me fall back to my own ways again. i can do this alone. just let me go. i cant take your love anymore.
i am tiny. just a child. i need you to hold me close and safe. [my God! where are you? i need you. i need help. i am left out alone in the killing world. am i too young to die? will i ever be old enough?] please dont say another word. they only break me down. your words are fake and meaningless. dont try to fix me. i dont need your problems along with mine. the weight is more than i can handle. its breaking me down. im breaking down. dont let me go but dont hold on. let me go but dont turn your back. i hope my double standards dont hold you back. this is all just a game to us. i dont want to play anymore. im too proud to forfeit. i’ve gotta let it all go. gotta let you go… oh, this tiny heart cant hold on anymore. she’s breaking under the pressure of her own mind. letting you go has gotta be the hardest thing i’ve ever had to do. holding on to Him is all i need to do right now. all right now. so this is my final good bye. you wont hear from me anymore. good bye… pressure behind my eyes is building up
"i feel the stress right… now crushing down on me like a million tons of bricks" a few weeks later, i am now well rested, exercised, and relaxed. the stresses that i have are minor and controllable. today i woke up at 5a for yoga, then got ready and went to work. after work i napped (for 5 mins) then went to a second yoga class. i could feel the holy spirits energy surrounding me and helping me keep my balance and inner peace. in my morning class my instructor waved peppermint over us during relaxation. it reminded me of grandma Frankie. that relaxed me even more cuz i always felt safe with her. i dont understand why God took her away from me before i could really appreciate her love. but i know that she taught me valuable lessons, even though i was so young.
Just let me paint; paint a picture of you, of us, of what we used to be. How different will it be, and will we ever be ok? Doubt is filling my mind, but not my heart, my heart has hope. It must; without hope it will not survive. My chest is heavy and I feel like the weight of the world is on me. I need to let it go to allow the hope to rise. I want hope and trust to overtake me. Without hope life is seemingly impossible. I miss you, and living like this is a nightmare. I am so tempted to talk, but I know I cant. I need to live and love in silence for 2 more weeks, thats all! We are 33% complete. This is such a long time, time has never moved slower. I can only hope that you miss me. I am growing, that I can promise. It is obvious to those who see me weekly, daily is different though, changes are harder to notice. I just want to be ok… is that too much to ask for in this world?
This life isn’t as enjoyable with you not by my side.
I miss you so much, but I know this is a good thing.
Relationships can be hard to manage. Sometimes we make assumptions that are way off. Other times we put in more than we get back, or so we think.
I love giving people presents and notes, and I do this with my boyfriend. Ever since we got together, I have been leaving him notes on his car before he leaves for work or baking him cookies at midnight, or just whatever I think he might like. He, however, does not leave me notes, cookies, flowers, or whatever. I am learning to live with this. He does things for me though. He calls me when I’m having a bad day, sends me nerdy texts about how much he loves me, encourages me when I don’t think I can do something. His words mean so much to me, and sometimes they get me through the day.
Last Tuesday I was having the worst day ever. I was late for school and forgot everything that I needed for my 5 hour photography class. Usually I just stay at school because I have a night class also, but that day I decided to leave at 11am. On my way home I almost ran out of gas on the freeway, and when I got back on I was in such a bad mood I didn’t even bother checking my speedometer. I got my first speeding ticket, and didn’t have proof of insurance because my dad decided to hold onto my card for safe-keeping. That was another write-up on my ticket. When I got home I called my friend to hang out, I ended up taking a nap on her couch. I left for school again around 5pm and found out that the room the class was in was changed. I was half an hour late. I asked the guy sitting next to me what we were watching, and after he answered my question he kept on talking. The librarian walked up to us and told us to “get out”. This was about 10 minutes after getting to the school, and it’s about a 40 minute drive from my house to the school, so I don’t like wasting time. We both left the library and I sat in my car for 3 hours to wait for Jon to get out of class. He gave me the biggest hug ever when I saw him, and it made me feel better.
Everyone has bad days, its how you think of it the next day that matters though. If you learn from your mistakes and take every curve ball as an opportunity, things will get better.
When the guy and I got kicked out of class we ended up talking for a while, and I had the opportunity to tell him that I am a Christian. The first thing he asked was, “Are you going to push your religion on me?” I said, “No, I am me, and you are you. I make my choices and you can make your own. I just hope mine will have a positive effect on your life.” He was like, are you sure you’re a Christian? It felt good to be able to be a light in his day. I know that since I wasn’t pushy or anything with him, I didn’t give him a bad taste of Christians.
Pinterest has taken over my life, and I’m finding new ways to use it. I started an encouragement journal for my best friend…
We all go through rough times in life, when school and work take over our lives and it seems like there is no free time to sit down and breathe. Times like that stress us out and usually make relationships harder to maintain. We don’t have the time or energy to keep up with our closest friends. Being away from them can make life even harder because God created us to be in healthy relationships with each other. We go through states of tiredness that can push our closest friends, sometimes family too, away from us. I’ve learned that when this happens, we need to take a step back and just let God do his thing. He always has a plan that is way better than any plan we could ever come up with. When we let go and let God take full control of our lives, we can experience this rare thing called peace. Our lives will still be crazy and busy, but simply knowing that God is in charge can take such a burden off our shoulders.
John 14:1 “Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God, believe in me also.”
I want to travel as a missionary and find God’s love outside of the US. I want to love like I’ve never been hurt. I want to search like I have everything to find. I want to live like I’ll never die. I want to go outside and never go back in. I want to do what I’m meant to do. Fasting/prayer starts tonight. I’m finding God’s will and never looking back. There is no God like my God, and there is no reason why I should fear the unknown. Life is given to us so we can take risks. I’ve always been a risk taker and this is another opportunity.
"When you pray, your prayers are heard by the same God who answered Moses’ prayer for water in the desert, the God who gave Abraham and his barren wife a son, and the God who made the slave Joseph second in power only to Pharaoh."
some things you want to do, but you dread doing them. its not something you can just pass up. this is opportunity knocking and you know that you need to answer the door because it could be good and you have nothing else to lose. just do it. open the door. press send. whatever you need to do, do.
it is a constant struggle for me; doing what i dont really want to do but not doing the things i know i want to do. it is something i believe that we all must overcome. its praying before i fall asleep. its resisting cursing when something goes terribly wrong. its resisting talking about someone behind their back. its putting others first. its loving another more than you love yourself. its sticking to your word.
Once more the storm is howling, and half hid Under this cradle-hood and coverlid My child sleeps on. There is no obstacle But Gregory’s wood and one bare hill Whereby the haystack- and roof-levelling wind, Bred on the Atlantic, can be stayed; And for an hour I have walked and prayed
I have walked and prayed for this young child an hour And heard the sea-wind scream upon the tower, And under the arches of the bridge, and scream In the elms above the flooded stream; Imagining in excited reverie That the future years had come, Dancing to a frenzied drum, Out of the murderous innocence of the sea
May she be granted beauty and yet not Beauty to make a stranger’s eye distraught, Or hers before a looking-glass, for such, Being made beautiful overmuch, Consider beauty a sufficient end, Lose natural kindness and maybe The heart-revealing intimacy That chooses right, and never find a friend.
Helen being chosen found life flat and dull And later had much trouble from a fool, While that great Queen, that rose out of the spray, Being fatherless could have her way Yet chose a bandy-leggèd smith for man. It’s certain that fine women eat A crazy salad with their meat Whereby the Horn of Plenty is undone.
In courtesy I’d have her chiefly learned; Hearts are not had as a gift but hearts are earned By those that are not entirely beautiful; Yet many, that have played the fool For beauty’s very self, has charm made wise, And many a poor man that has roved, Loved and thought himself beloved, From a glad kindness cannot take his eyes.
May she become a flourishing hidden tree That all her thoughts may like the linnet be, And have no business but dispensing round Their magnanimities of sound, Nor but in merriment begin a chase, Nor but in merriment a quarrel. O may she live like some green laurel Rooted in one dear perpetual place.
My mind, because the minds that I have loved, The sort of beauty that I have approved, Prosper but little, has dried up of late, Yet knows that to be choked with hate May well be of all evil chances chief. If there’s no hatred in a mind Assault and battery of the wind Can never tear the linnet from the leaf.
An intellectual hatred is the worst, So let her think opinions are accursed. Have I not seen the loveliest woman born Out of the mouth of Plenty’s horn, Because of her opinionated mind Barter that horn and every good By quiet natures understood For an old bellows full of angry wind?
Considering that, all hatred driven hence, The soul recovers radical innocence And learns at last that it is self-delighting, Self-appeasing, self-affrighting, And that its own sweet will is Heaven’s will; She can, though every face should scowl And every windy quarter howl Or every bellows burst, be happy still.
And may her bridegroom bring her to a house Where all’s accustomed, ceremonious; For arrogance and hatred are the wares Peddled in the thoroughfares. How but in custom and in ceremony Are innocence and beauty born? Ceremony’s a name for the rich horn, And custom for the spreading laurel tree.